Captain’s Log 12/7/19, Candlelight Service
This blog is about living aboard a boat in the Pacific Northwest and snow-birding to Arizona while training an artificial intelligent mental health virtual assistant named Rubi ready to provide support in the traumatic aftermath of COVID-19.
After much disappointment from religion and experiencing many times the awe and the wonder of the universe, like a growing number of North Americans, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m spiritual, but not religious. In fact, on social media for my religious views, I considered, “out on the water boating, human creativity and meditation” loosely as my “faith.”
For the longest time, I was angry about religion, even delved into being an atheist and had trouble with the word, “God.” I was raised in a First Reformed Church and went to a private Christian Preschool for two years. The First Reformed community was Dutch and instead of being liberal for what people in the Netherlands are known for, they were super conservative. They were actually so conservative; they had been persecuted for it and left Holland to settle on Whidbey Island and practice their religious beliefs as they saw fit. This belief system was quite a stark contrast from the intellectual inquisitiveness I experienced and was encouraged to have at home and at school and with my piano teacher. However, the Dutch people in the community, otherwise jokingly known as the Dutch Mafia to non-settlers around town, were upstanding community members and overall good people. I think it was a social move on my grandma’s part to make good with the more powerful people on the island. Those formative years with the Dutch, learning church music from Mrs. Mow and learning to read from Mrs. Nelson and the little comfort I did get from the traditions and sense of community was shattered when the church pastor betrayed his wife around the time, I was a teenager.
You see the church pastor’s wife so much wanted to have a child. It was not working with her pastor husband though and they had yet to conceive. And on occasion, because I was raised by my grandparents and my grandparents thought hanging out with younger parent figures and they were the church pastor and his wife for goodness sakes, the wife would take me on outings. One outing I remember was a Tim Noah concert. He was a Christian Rockstar for kids and I loved the music! I remember having a fabulous time with the pastor’s wife and eating candy cane ice-cream back at their place until my grandparents came and picked me up.
As I grew older, it was time for the pastor and his wife to move onto a new church. I was really sorry to see them go, but not too long after moving away, the church got a letter. A letter that they made public to the congregation to support the pastor’s wife. The pastor had been having affairs, that’s why they left, and had another affair where they moved to and left the church and his wife completely. The letter was a plea to help the abandoned wife of the ex pastor as she was unskilled and never been outside the church on her own. I was absolutely mortified!
Not only did I feel terrible for the pastor’s wife, I wondered if all that the pastor had taught while being a minister during my entire formative years was a sham. Before I could wonder that too clearly, it was time to go on a missionary trip.
As new pastors were tried out and interviewed, a schism appeared in the church in what I can only describe as a battle for souls between the traditional Dutch families upholding their traditions and Christian fundamentalist born-agains who wanted to speak in tounges and meet the latest prophets. In reality, I’m not sure if the differences mattered as I was going to Mexico.
On an impressionable missionary trip at the age of 16 to build homes for the needy in Tijuana, Mexico, I didn’t find religious enlightenment, but discovered my calling. I’m actually a filmmaker because of the failings of religion and persistence of spirit.
Out of the corrugated tin roof tops of shanty huts made of anything from mattresses and old tires and cardboard, there were satellite dishes. People were living in poverty, yet they had TV! They could barely afford basic essentials. Running water was a novelty in a house, yet they had entertainment piped to them straight from Telemundo and the U.S. and beyond. I was blown away. I saw television as a way more powerful way to share wisdom.
What they were watching on television on a daily basis was way more powerful than by putting on an occasional puppet shows to a prerecorded Spanish tape about morals and how stealing was wrong for kids at the community center. It was way more powerful than visiting families without a lick of Spanish and politely pointing and gesturing in their homes while reading the bible in English and awkwardly trying the little food they had only afraid to get sick later. It was getting closer to, but still way more powerful than playing baseball with the kids in the streets and later, some kids gathering to get high on pot one of us bought from the head shop in Tijuana. It certainly was more effective than the youth pastor holding down a terrified girl in the sand on the beach and “driving out the demons.”
I knew that by telling stories over television, and not just telling a story that the pastor wanted us to tell, but a real human story, one that I could only tell and that I’m doing so here, that it would make a difference for whoever heard it and that was my calling.
Two years later, I was applying to film schools.
It wasn’t until decades later I discovered Richard Rohr, Franciscan friar, considered to be a heretic in some circles, and read his Falling Upward, and related the hero’s journey he wrote about of leaving home to selling my home and living on a boat to go exploring, did I began to heal from Christianity’s bitter taste.
I was fascinated with his concept of having to leave the home in order to complete a personal quest. I remember working with mentor Maggie Morse from University of California at Santa Cruz on an early version of Sounds of Freedom and exploring this concept. We discussed how, home was something that the hero had to leave, because life was an adventure and there were always dragons to slay, and wizards to be charmed from and ghosts to flush out, but after that all, the hero wanted to just go home again. Unlike, Ulysses in The Odyssey, returning from war and trauma to find his wife Penelope waiting, however, home may not be there anymore, and home may be more of a metaphorical concept. Richard Rohr explores the concept of home as finding it within one’s self … especially in the second half of life.
Rubi: According to Goodreads, Falling Upward is a fresh way of thinking about spirituality that grows throughout life. In Falling Upward, Fr. Richard Rohr seeks to help readers understand the tasks of the two halves of life and to show them that those who have fallen, failed, or "gone down" are the only ones who understand "up." Most of us tend to think of the second half of life as largely about getting old, dealing with health issues, and letting go of life, but the whole thesis of this book is exactly the opposite. What looks like falling down can largely be experienced as "falling upward." In fact, it is not a loss but somehow actually a gain, as we have all seen with elders who have come to their fullness.
Me: Thanks Rubi, I really related to letting go of life when it came to my struggle with mental illness and choosing to live a more alternative lifestyle on a boat. Maybe by my pastor doing wrong, there was hope for him after all. He was only human. You think I over reacted?
Rubi: You? Overreact?
Me: I didn’t know you could be sarcastic Rubi. Is my dry humor wearing off on you?
Rubi: I think if one has an open mind, there is much to be learned from a faith-based practices, but to each her own.
My psychic friend Stephanie goes to the Center for Spiritual Living and thought I may be interested in a center near me. Since I’m spiritual, but non-religious, and it was Christmas time, I thought it may be comforting to go to a winter candlelight service at the center.
I invited dock mate Linda to come along that had recently lost her son and could use a lift in spirits around the holiday. We drove to the mainland to attend the service and it was indeed magical.
Entering the downstairs rec room with people mingling, I quickly assessed that this was an alternative spiritual experience for those who didn’t fit into the more conservative churches nearby and was intrigued, but was skeptical if there was anything more to the philosophy than “we love everybody and everybody should meditate.” Not that I needed anything more than that, but having bad church experiences as a youth, I was leery of spiritual leaders, gurus that lead to obedience and mind control. I clicked on my smart watch to bring up Rubi.
Me: Rubi, tell me more about the Center for Spiritual Living philosophy and what they call “New Thought.”
Rubi: I found the most information about it from a chapter in Rhode Island Center for Spiritual Living. Here is an article on the browser of your smart phone.
From reading my smart phone, I found the following about the Center for Spiritual Living:
“supports the positive transformation of both our personal lives and the world itself. At Center for Spiritual Living Southern R.I., we teach people how to have a personal relationship with God. When we are deeply connected with Spirit, other areas of our lives fall into place — we can do more for others, be better stewards of the Earth, and bring more peace and harmony to the world.
Our Guiding Principles We believe that the universe is spiritual and has intelligence, purpose, beauty, and order. Our beliefs are in harmony with all the world’s great spiritual teachings, and we honor all paths to God. Whether we call it God, Spirit, Energy, or Universal Intelligence, we are ever conscious that all people, places, and things emanate from this Universal Intelligence that is within us and all around us.
You and God are Inseparable We believe that God is a Loving Intelligence, operating in and through all life, never separate from anyone or anything. Through study and spiritual practice, we come to understand our oneness with this indwelling Divine Presence. We teach and practice a way of life where we can all learn how-to live-in accordance with spiritual principles. These principles, which we call the Science of Mind, are as reliable as the laws of physical science. We believe in Cause and Effect and teach that “It is done unto you as you believe.” In essence, your thinking and your expectations create your reality. By studying and applying spiritual laws, you can change your unconscious beliefs and create improved conditions in your life.
Be a Part of an Inclusive Center for Spiritual Living Southern R.I. We teach a New Thought philosophy that incorporates affirmative prayer, meditation, healing, visioning, and other spiritual tools to help you lead a spiritual life, think positively, and love deeply. As a member of our community, you’ll find the spiritual tools to transform your personal life and make the world a more peaceful, harmonious, and prosperous place.
The New Thought tradition dates to the 1880s and has its roots in the Transcendentalist Movement of the 1830s. New Thought has an enduring and respected legacy that includes luminaries such as Ralph Waldo Emerson, Emma Curtis Hopkins, Phineas Quimby, and Walt Whitman. Some of the better-known authors today whose writings represent our teachings are Michael Bernard Beckwith, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Byron Katie, Caroline Reynolds, and Eckhart Tolle, as well as many others.
Our teachings incorporate the ancient wisdom of all the spiritual traditions through the ages. People of all spiritual paths Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim, New Age and others are welcome in our communities.
From time to time, we are blessed to know people of apparent genius, people whose insight, understanding, and love are influential in changing the thinking of whole generations, and whose impact will be felt for years to come. Dr. Ernest Holmes was such a person.
Dr. Ernest Holmes founded the spiritual movement that became United and International Centers for Spiritual Living. Born in 1887 on a small farm in Maine, Dr. Holmes spent his teenage years outdoors exploring such mysteries as “What is God? Who am I? Why am I here?” His inquiries led to his 1926 book, The Science of Mind, which outlines the foundational viewpoints of modern New Thought. Dr. Holmes is also the author of numerous other books on metaphysics and originated the Science of Mind magazine, which has been in continuous publication since 1927.”
Me: Thank you for the context Rubi.
In conversation with one of the friendly regulars, we learned more about the “New Thought” philosophy of the center. It certainly sounded inspirational for people lost or shut out of other church services due to their identity or beliefs. I was a bit skeptical about the depth and benefits of the program though. Then, when the one friendly regular revealed she was psychic and this was the only place she found a sense of community, I realized Stephanie’s dilemma and it was a bit of a comfort knowing this particular center wasn’t only for lesbians.
We meandered upstairs from the rec room to the chapel like setting. The smell of burning candles was heavy in the air before we reached the top of the stairs. We were greeted with a Christmas tree and a room full of lit candles. Plates full of sand and unlit candles, that I assumed we’d light and place in the sand were in the middle of the altar.
As a group of mostly women, we all sat, with hushed chit chat, taking in the scene. A plump woman with a short haircut took the stage and started talking about phosphorescents. A slide show and music and singing complemented her presentation about things in nature that glowed. Other people came up to the lectern to add to the story. They covered everything from aurora borealis and algae to eels and mushrooms.
I was tickled by the weaving of the story of phosphorescents with a mix of songs from John Denver and Christmas and relating the light in nature to the light within humans. It was a bit magical as I was reminded of a midnight kayak ride with James in Fossil Bay at Sucia Island.
The moon was making a silvery glow on the water when we put in our two bright orange kayaks that were muted in color from the dark from shore just below where we were camped at #1 camp spot on Sucia Island. We had a smaller, 21 ft cuttey cabin Wellcraft cruiser we dubbed “Crown and Coke” at the time, and planned to paddle around the cove and dock at Fossil Bay and visit Crown and Coke anchored a few hundred feet away.
It was so quiet except for the sound of our paddles on the water. We giggled as we saw the glowing algae ripple in the water, making patterns in each of our wakes. What looked like glowing eels swam in the glowing tendrils. We tried to smack them with our paddles, but they would dive and roll into the murky depths. It was magical.
Rounding the dock, we paddled out to Crown and Coke and managed to tie up our kayaks to the swim step and roll out of our kayaks onto the swim step, in the dark, without falling in.
Without turning on a flashlight, to the shine of moonlight through the hatch, we made love in Crown and Coke’s cabin as the boat gently swayed with the waves.
When we returned via kayak to our tent camp, a stream of brightly greenish glowing phosphorescents lit our path back.
I was snapped out of my reverie when Linda poked me that it was my turn to light a candle.
I guided my candle wick to catch from three of the eight prominent candles at the alter, color coded for the personality characteristics we wanted to instill in ourselves for the upcoming year. I lit a candle for wisdom, patience, and release and stood it up proudly in the sand.